The No That Keeps Slipping

My self-control is on vacation. I didn’t approve the leave, but here we are.

Dear You,

I’ve been sitting with this heavy thing in my chest, and I know it’s time to say it out loud:I’ve been struggling with self-control. Like deeply. Honestly. Repeatedly. And it’s not something I’m proud of because it’s been bleeding into everything I care about.

It started with food. I’d tell myself, “Katie, don’t eat that. You’ve already had enough.” And five minutes later, I’m halfway through it. And then the guilt hits. That sinking, shameful “you said you wouldn’t” that echoes louder than any full stomach ever could.

But it didn’t stop there.

It started creeping into my routines, my goals, my writing, my walk with God, my physical health, my mental space, everywhere. I tell myself: “You’ll sleep early tonight.” “You’ll study when you get back from work.” “You’ll exercise today.” “You’ll read your Bible before anything else.” “You’ll write that post this weekend.” “You’ll stop scrolling.” “You’ll show up.”

But then, I don’t. And it’s not just laziness. It’s like there’s a disconnect between what I intend to do and what I actually do. Like my flesh has been shouting louder than my spirit.

And what hurts the most is that I know better. I’ve read the books. I’ve said the prayers. I’ve fasted. I’ve journaled. I’ve cried. I’ve made plans. I even encourage other people. But when it comes to holding myself accountable… when it comes to saying “no” and standing on that “no”, I break. And I don’t break loudly. I break in the quiet. I break in compromise. I break in delay. I break in “just one more time.” I break in “I’ll do better tomorrow.”

The ability to say “no” and mean it. To stand on it. To hold the line when no one is watching.

And what terrifies me is that this struggle isn’t staying small. It’s bleeding into everything.

As a nurse—I delay tasks.

As a writer—I don’t show up for the words I say I care about.

As a Christian—I feel like I’m constantly asking God for strength, while giving my flesh too much permission.

As a woman trying to become more—I feel like I’m self-sabotaging in slow motion.

I know the fruit of the Spirit includes self-control. I keep wondering….💭 how do I let it grow?

What if tomorrow is being shaped by today’s excuses? What if the woman I’m trying to become is slowly being choked by all the “small yesses” I keep giving to the wrong things?

I don’t want to keep showing up for everything and everyone except myself. I don’t want to be the girl who had so much potential but lacked the discipline to sustain it. I don’t want to let my desires, cravings, and impulses drive my life while my values sit quietly in the back seat.

I think, at the root of it, I’ve been struggling with gluttony. And I used to think gluttony was just about food. But I’ve come to realize, it’s also about overindulging in anything that quiets discomfort for a moment but steals growth in the long run. Too much scrolling. Too much talking. Too much eating. Too much overthinking. Too much sleeping. And not enough restraint. Not enough “No.” Not enough “Enough.” Not enough “Jesus, take this from me.”

I’ve been reading Galatians 5:22–23 again. You know, the fruit of the Spirit. And there it is, self-control. It’s not something I can build alone. It’s fruit. Meaning it has to grow. Meaning it needs root. Meaning it takes time and intimacy with the Vine.

But still—I have to stop watering the flesh and expecting the Spirit to thrive. Because truthfully? The version of me that God is calling into more cannot survive on broken discipline. She needs strength. She needs surrender. She needs consistency. She needs me to stop feeding everything but my spirit.

So this is me being real. I am frustrated. I am tired of watching myself cave. I am tired of starting and not following through. I am tired of living in cycles that keep me small.

And maybe you're tired too.

Maybe you’re trying to fast but you keep breaking it early. Maybe you’re trying to write but the words won’t come because your mind is filled with clutter. Maybe you want to stop saying “yes” to that thing, that person, that thought, but you keep folding. Maybe you keep promising God, “This is the last time”, but here you are again.

I don’t have a 5-step plan. I’m not writing from the finish line. I’m writing from the middle. From the fight. From the everyday war between who I am and who I’m called to be.

But I believe one thing deeply, God is patient with my process, but He won’t leave me in my patterns. He loves me too much to let gluttony, procrastination, fear, or emotional indulgence write the story of my life. He’s calling me into discipline, not punishment, but alignment. Not legalism, but freedom.

Because real freedom is the ability to say no, and mean it. Not because I’m strong in myself, but because I’m yielded. Because the Spirit of God is forming fruit in me, even if I only see tiny roots for now.

If you’re in this fight too, I want you to know: You’re not lazy. You’re not weak. You’re not too far gone.

You’re just being invited back to the Vine. And the fruit will come, one hard, honest “no” at a time.

One day I’ll write a follow-up called ‘I Did It!’ But today is not that day. Today, we just reflect… and maybe snack a little.

Till then with all my heart, Katie